Why “loving myself” did not make me happy and how I found true self-love.
People say, “just love yourself” if you want to be happy. So, I’ve been reading books trying to figure out self-love, but I got frustrated with what I learned, as it wasn’t working for me.
Some books told me about the benefits of being kind, using the mantra “I love myself, I love myself…”, practising loving-kindness meditation, being mindful of my actions and focusing on self-care.
Other books advised me to simply love and forgive myself, including my mistakes and addictions. Perhaps I should trust a higher power to lead me to the ultimate love of myself.
After trying out some of the above-mentioned approaches I came to the realisation that I often can not love myself. As a matter of fact, I hate myself! And those books, mantras and meditations can go straight to the waste bin!
I got fed up with all that self-love mumbo jumbo!
And yet, my instinct told me that loving myself is a profound concept. I just needed to discover the right steps for me that would lead me there.
My lightbulb moment came when I realised that it is okay to hate myself, to hate the books, to hate the loving kindness meditations. My hate no longer scares me. This is only an aspect of me, there is so much more to me. I lean in towards the parts of me that hate, wanting to understand their suffering. I can see that right now they are not ready to robotically recite a mantra, and they do not feel like doing the loving-kindness meditation. I understand and respect their wishes.
As if my hateful parts were my best friends, I extend compassion to them. When I do that, something magical happens.
Suddenly, the hateful feelings melt away like ice cubes left out in the sun. Loving and accepting my hateful parts makes me feel stronger and calmer inside. The wonderful side effect is that by loving the good, bad and the ugly within, I can begin to extend the same to all the people in my external environment.
Try this: Have you ever felt hate for something? Approach the feeling of hatred with curiosity and compassion. As you do that, notice the shift in your feelings.
Further reading: # You are the one you’ve been waiting for by Richard Schwartz
