When the child is not fully accepted
Every child needs a secure connection with their caregivers. Actually, the correct word is not a secure connection, but “attunement”, where the parent understands, fully accepts and mirrors the child.
If parents can be present and soothe their child, then the child learns vicariously to self-parent.
If for whatever reason a child does not receive the attunement, then she will start to disown that part of themselves that needs to be cared for by learning to numb, dissociate, suppress or act out their feelings. The sacrifice of the Self begins and emptiness starts to replace the joyful and carefree essence of that child.
Not everyone suffered the same injury to their Self, some injuries are not as severe as others.
The good news is that we are all able to heal our inner child and bring out her joy and playfulness, but we first need to pay attention to our inner world, to our thoughts, behaviours and feelings.
For example, some of my clients that grow up in divorced families tell me that they feel tension in their chest, and a thought that comes up is “I need to be loved”. They identify the part that needs love as a very young child.
Try this: Take a few moments to become mindful of your body. Is any sensation or thought that is calling your attention? Notice what it wants to tell you. Ask it how old is it. Stay curious and open, answers or images might come up when you least expect them.
Further Reading:
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Dr Gabor Maté
An Internal Family Systems Guide to Recovery from Eating Disorders: Healing Part by Part
by Amy Yandel Grabowski